Ben Drevlow

Heaven is easy, you punch Jesus right in the kisser–POW!–tell Him you ain’t takin’ no for an answer, remind Him of the story of prodigal son, tell him, well, Big Bro, I’m home, and slap him on the back, wait for the blood of Christ’s nose to be shed for you, apologize when he starts to cry, ask for forgiveness from His Father, tell His Daddy you didn’t mean it, call God Daddy, say God-Daddy, please, I didn’t mean it, it’s just always triggered me getting looked down upon from the high and mighty, remind God-Daddy the meek shall inherit the earth, get down on your knees if you have to, say, Bless me, God-Daddy, for I know not what I just did, offer Brother Jesus your best hanky, tell Him you didn’t mean it, no harm no foul, tell the Holy Ghost you’ve always been a big fan ever since Muppets Christmas Carol, your favorite, Ghost-of-Christmas-Yet-to-Come, make a triangle with your fingers and hands, holler: Holy Trinity 4 Life, yo, don’t mention you still got your gun down your pants, don’t go and start blowing your payload quite yet, remind the Holy Trinity all about Hitler and Mao and slavery, genocide in Rwanda, the 80’s AIDS epidemic for gays, The Male Nipple, nobody’s perfect, you say, let he who judges first… judge something something… glass houses and rocks, pull out the gun from your junk and tell God you were about to kill yourself but you didn’t, because of the Book of Job, and how that really fucked with your head back in Confirmation Class, tell him, I didn’t mean to do it for real, it was all an accident, you gotta believe me God-Daddy, tell him that nature loads the gun and nurture pulls the trigger and Jesus shaves, nurture in this case being your mom who never breastfed you, and Danny Heifitz who you thought was your best friend in seventh until he told the whole school he caught you masturbating in sink in the third-floor boys, nature being your sensitive soul, nature being your ADHD, always leaving cupboard doors open to bonk your head on, always forgetting to brush your teeth, the guys on TV always make putting the gun down their pants look cool, none of them ever shooting themselves in the privates, who knew that the privates could bleed so much blood so quick, who would be so masochistic as to kill hisself by shooting his own privates anyway?