HEAVEN IS EASY

Heaven is easy, you punch Jesus right in the kisser–POW!–tell Him you ain’t takin’ no for an answer, remind Him of the story of prodigal son, tell him, well, Big Bro, I’m home, and slap him on the back, wait for the blood of Christ’s nose to be shed for you, apologize when he starts to cry, ask for forgiveness from His Father, tell His Daddy you didn’t mean it, call God Daddy, say God-Daddy, please, I didn’t mean it, it’s just always triggered me getting looked down upon from the high and mighty, remind God-Daddy the meek shall inherit the earth, get down on your knees if you have to, say, Bless me, God-Daddy, for I know not what I just did, offer Brother Jesus your best hanky, tell Him you didn’t mean it, no harm no foul, tell the Holy Ghost you’ve always been a big fan ever since Muppets Christmas Carol, your favorite, Ghost-of-Christmas-Yet-to-Come, make a triangle with your fingers and hands, holler: Holy Trinity 4 Life, yo, don’t mention you still got your gun down your pants, don’t go and start blowing your payload quite yet, remind the Holy Trinity all about Hitler and Mao and slavery, genocide in Rwanda, the 80’s AIDS epidemic for gays, The Male Nipple, nobody’s perfect, you say, let he who judges first… judge something something… glass houses and rocks, pull out the gun from your junk and tell God you were about to kill yourself but you didn’t, because of the Book of Job, and how that really fucked with your head back in Confirmation Class, tell him, I didn’t mean to do it for real, it was all an accident, you gotta believe me God-Daddy, tell him that nature loads the gun and nurture pulls the trigger and Jesus shaves, nurture in this case being your mom who never breastfed you, and Danny Heifitz who you thought was your best friend in seventh until he told the whole school he caught you masturbating in sink in the third-floor boys, nature being your sensitive soul, nature being your ADHD, always leaving cupboard doors open to bonk your head on, always forgetting to brush your teeth, the guys on TV always make putting the gun down their pants look cool, none of them ever shooting themselves in the privates, who knew that the privates could bleed so much blood so quick, who would be so masochistic as to kill hisself by shooting his own privates anyway? ask God-Daddy if he truly knows all, then He must know your true intentions were innocent, ask Brother Jesus if he wants to see down your pants for proof, give the Holy Ghost the devil fingers by way of saying rock out with your cock out, assume He’ll take it as a compliment, wait for God-Daddy to weigh the pros and cons, do that 6-or-7 thing with his hands, kids these days, shoot Brother Jesus a quick wink to say no hard feelings, Bro, and point to the tiniest splatter of nose blood on His Holy Toga, missed a spot, you wink, whistle the theme from Jeopardy, consider if it comes to it if you’d be willing to hold your gun to Brother’s Jesus’s head, hostage, Cain-and-Able style, to put God-Daddy in a situation as to have to sacrifice His only son a second time, consider against pressing your luck, good things come to those who wait, your mother always told you by way of scolding you for your lack of attention span and constant need for cookies and affirmation and switching the TV channels between commercials, look how far I’ve come, Mama! you imagine telling your dead mom, potentially an angel now on the other side, potentially not, that whole thing with formula over breast milk, and her lack of compassion for your neurodivergence, but hey you’ve forgiven her, why not God-Daddy? how long does it take for All-Knowing God to go through every questionable life decision you’ve ever made? it takes as long as God-Daddy wants it to take, that’s how long it takes, Axl rose said, all it takes is a little patience like, heaven is easy, you tell yourself, it’s the devil in the details they don’t tell you about, or rather they do, but who really pays attention, it’s like signing off on your new iPhone contract, it’s like flushing the toilet before brushing your teeth with all those tiny pieces of feces, it’s like Instant Replay on every time you took an extra piece of candy, Instant Replay on whether you came down with the catch, the big Hail Mary, if you stuck the landing, tip-toed the boundry lines, held tight and rocked the little baby, the baby being your love for God-Daddy Almighty, which has never been higher than it is with your faith in His Hands, hum quietly He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands, maybe bonus points for knowing every lyric, get a little louder as you sing, He’s got you and me, brother… in his hands, Sweet baby Jesus all grown up and sulking with his head back pinching his bloody nose, Brother Jesus always a bit of a whiner, or so the Bible tells you so, and the Bible has told you so, pointing the finger at everybody a hypocrite and a fool, like the Holier than Thou Holden Caulfield, but hey, you’re not a hater, love thy enemy, turn the other cheek, do unto others, hell, if Brother Jesus can forgive the Jews for crucifying him, then maybe a big brother can catch you in the Rye, put in a good word for you with God-Daddy, Mister Hurry Up and Wait, that’s life, until you shoot your nuts off, Goddamnit is never clear what it is, and why it is always so damn worthy, Heaven is easy, it’s the politics that’ll get you, you wash my feet I’ll wash yours, it’s lucky enough you never wear shoes, Dear Brother Jesus, you ever heard of spit-shine? twinkle your toes for Him, big smile, point to His feet and then to your lips, ask Him when the last time he hung out with Mary Mags was, tell him she was always your favorite, leave out the part about getting a boner in Sunday school, Hey God, are you there, it’s me, Mary Magdaline? jokes jokes jokes, Heaven is easy, it’s all about a healthy funny bone, think about chickens running around with their heads cut off and know that God-Daddy is nothing but a practical joker, wondering if you’re gonna be the joke or the butt, jk, of course you’re the butt, your being the butt is precisely the reason you’re getting in, you hear about that guy who shot his nuts off trying to kill himself? that joke never gets old, the way angels never get old, the way God-Daddy can make you wait in line all he wants, but you’ve been waiting your whole life for real answers, answers to questions like, WTF? and WWJD? and Sweet Brother Jesus, why me? and who knew it could be so easy as to shoot off your nuts and punch Brother Jesus in the nose, and make nice with the Holy Ghost, and wait and wait and wait, 6 or 7, 6 or 7, which one’s Heaven, which one’s not, God-Daddy with your fate in His big sweaty hands, it’s easy, one of them rhymes with Heaven, which is where you’re going, whether you have to shoot your way in or do the Gritty with God-Daddy’s good graces, Heaven is easy, you keep telling yourself, Heaven is easy, the Devil’s in the non-disclosure agreement.