THE JACKSONS
Michael Jackson of Duluth, Minnesota, has never moonwalked but slips on ice every winter.
Michael Jackson, age seventy-three, sells replacement furnace filters from a warehouse outside Tulsa. When customers hear his name, there is a pause.
A Michael Jackson in Boise owes $14.27 in late library fees.
Another Michael Jackson is allergic to plantains.
One Michael Jackson spent twenty-seven years repairing elevators. The only stage he’s been on was a witness stand in a slip-and-fall lawsuit.
Michael Jackson of Trenton, New Jersey, is looking for his reading glasses to read the Michael Jackson autobiography.
There is a Michael Jackson currently idling in a La-Z-Boy and practicing to slide his feet smoothly on the linoleum floor.
One Michael Jackson works night shifts at a bottling plant and has never listened to Thriller all the way through.
A Michael Jackson in Saskatchewan believes cancer is just government propaganda.
Three Michael Jacksons are presently waiting for test results on testicular cancer.
Seventeen are arguing with insurance companies on the phone.
A Michael Jackson in Bandon, Oregon has spent the last six months building a birdhouse so elaborate that local birds he-hee-sitate to enter.
Some Michael Jacksons sign their initials in the shape of a black fedora.
One Michael Jackson married a woman named Billie Jean entirely by accident.
A Michael Jackson in Key West once changed his name to Jackson Michael to avoid confusion.
One Michael Jackson is sitting in a parked Honda Civic rehearsing how to ask for a raise.
Another is scattering his mother’s ashes into the Willamette River.
A Michael Jackson in Leeds is currently busy losing his religion.
A Michael Jackson in Nebraska has a dog named Prince. Another in Perth has a cat named Elvis.
Last Tuesday, six hundred and forty-eight Michael Jacksons received spam emails from a Nigerian prince.
One Michael Jackson knows that if all the Michael Jacksons in the world gathered in the same football stadium, they would beat it.
A Michael Jackson in Topeka is suffering from dementia, failing to remember his own name.
A Michael Jackson in Neverland is reminiscing the good old days.